Stories I am working on

If you are new to reading my blog, you may skip this section.  I wanted to put it at the end but ran out of patience.  Thanx for your patronage and sorry for the confusion.

Since I do not know if anyone other than me and a couple of my friends will ever see this blog, I am including a list of the stories I still have to write. I am also waiting on an update from Tony and Barton to see if I missed anything.

This is it for now. Sorry for the length. Scroll hard.

1)Timmy, my partner, almost killed by two old ladies in a car

2)Parking cars at the funerals
a. Spit cans, stench & Dirt

3)Smoldering Grannie

4)Dr. Jonas convincing me I had spinal meningitis
a. Letting me in on it 2 weeks later

5)Why Women cry at Funerals

6)Fixin' your Grandmothers hair

7)Swallowing a mouth full of “Red Man” during the final visitation

8)Congregational Holiness women that would look to be sure someone was there to catch them before they passed out

9)The hysterical girl that ran across the walls of the parlor leaving footprints

10)The Preacher that wanted to save the souls of the people at the funeral because the dead man was already burning in Hell

11)Posing as Mafia at a rural gas station while in The Home’s Limousine

12)Driving the Hearse in procession w/the windows down and “Smoke on the Water” blaring on FM.

13)Knowing the guy was dead because the buzzards were circling the house.

14)Why you never let people with back-hoe’s did the graves
a. Or, why you never have 90 year old men as Pallbearers.

15)Our Cats
a. Phidippides
b. Trocar

16)The cats scaring the Be-Jesus out of everyone coming in The Home by jumping out of the bushes

17)The day the cats invaded the parlors

18)Cats scaring the living hell out of Jimmy at 2 AM while he is embalming

19)Ghosts and the cats

20)Ghosts and my Sister-in-law

21)Ghosts in the closet

22)Earl walking around The Home with a monster mask on

23)Burying a Bootlegger and taking his family home
a. Driving the Limo back while totally intoxicated
b. Having to type obits all night

24)Pronouncing a drowned man dead and telling his family that an octopus sucked all of his blood out through his foot

25)The dead man in the closet that had been at The Home longer than me

26)Grave diggers preferring to work in winter because in the summer they can’t dig it naked

27)Mr. Smith stopping by The Home to let us know his wife was dead
a. Having her body in his pickup

28)Mr. Carter farting on the old woman in the parking lot

29)The man with the hair-lip calling The Home to see if we have Mrs. Smith’s body
a. I WRONGLY assumed it was a prank call

30)Having a PA system that will broadcast a service and the music outside
a. Scaring pedestrians with it

31)Earl sneaking up on the State Trooper in our office
a. Sudden occurrence of a time-warp
b. Earl learning the definition of Stupidity

32)The Preacher that saw Heaven

33)Everyone assuming our crying was “tears of joy”
a. Not pain from biting through our tongues

34)Spotlighting parkers at the State Docks
a. And other reasons we should be dead

35)Our weekly steak cook-out
a. Reasons why it didn’t lead to death

36)Putting up the graveside tent into a yellow-jacket nest

37)Picking up my first body by myself
a. Understanding the term “full autopsy”

38)Watching my first embalming
a. Propping against the wall
b. Not passing out

39)My first embalming

40)Playing Coroner is not all fun and excitement
a. The Cleaners asking if they can burn my suit

41)The first time you fully understand that “all odor is particulate”

42)Sleeping in the windowless room of The Home’s apartment
a. Understanding “sensory deprivation”
b. Taking a drug test

43)Getting Married while at The Home
a. Using The Home’s Limo
b. Living in the attached apartment

44)Some people of Beaufort County are Cattle
a. Spending the night with the dead
b. Taking a dump in the Women’s bathroom floor

45)Why all Funeral Directors are obese, except for the ones with bulimia
a. Churches and neighbors providing food for the family
b. Eating with the families

46)People are generally more afraid of the dead then they let on in public

47)My friend Terry and his girlfriend visiting The Home to have supper
a. Touring The Home, embalming room and casket display room
b. Terry driving off road and hallucinating while going home
c. Understanding hyperventilation and you

48)Understanding all-too-well the expression “broke every bone in his body”
a. Why I don’t drive a VW today

49)Earl falling through roof of The Home

50)We never walked on the moon

51)Spiritual Trifecta
a. Sermons, Marriages and Funerals

Fun is where you find it

What was the most fun I ever had at the funeral home? It’s hard to pin down to one, that’s like asking a 6 year old to pick their favorite candy. But if pressed I would have to say it was when my partner and I traveled to the big city to pick up a body on what seemed like a normal day at work.

It was a beautiful day. The family wasn’t going to be at the hospital so we were facing an easy drive there and back. After picking up the body and heading back to the interstate we realized that we were low on gas and starving. We headed first to the gas station so that we could enjoy our meal on the ride home.

We found a self-service gas station that was manned by several black gentlemen. We pulled to the pumps and waited. After a few minutes we realized that no one was coming. Assessing the situation I saw 6 grown men wedged into the station door, staring at us wide-eyed. I asked if they were coming out and as a chorus they said that we could pump it ourselves because they weren’t coming anywhere near a dead body. We were laughing at the looks on their faces while looking for some eats and realized that we had not closed the curtains on the back of the hearse. That’s why the gentlemen at the gas station wouldn’t pump our gas; NOT while having to look at a dead man under a blanket. We thought it couldn’t get any better than that. But we were wrong.

Leaving the drapes open while transporting a body is a HUGE no-no. In respect to the deceased you always close the curtains. That would have to be fixed as soon as we got to the restaurant. We spotted a McDonalds and headed that way.

But before we could get in the parking lot we found ourselves locked in mortal combat with a redneck in a jacked up mustang. He must’ve fancied himself a fighter pilot because he did donuts around us as he pretended to strafe our hearse. When we finally parked he slid in beside us. We jumped out and opened the side doors to close the curtains. As we were doing so this bearded, 350 lb fighter pilot ace leapt from his car asking if I was going to get my friend anything to eat, referring to the corpse in the back. I leaned in and yelled “Hey, you want anything to eat”? My partner, bent down in the other door answered with “Hell no, I ain’t hungry”!

I turned back and saw that Ace and his F-15 Mustang had vanished. As if he had been caught in a time warp or sucked into a Bermuda triangle indigenous to McDonalds. We felt slightly relieved when we caught site of him racing down the street. We realized that he had not seen my partner and apparently thought that the dead man in the back had either died on a full stomach or did not want his first meal among the non-living to be McDonalds. However he was not about to hang around to see which was which.

I told you before that we put the FUN in Funeral Home.