If you are new to reading my blog, you may skip this section. I wanted to put it at the end but ran out of patience. Thanx for your patronage and sorry for the confusion.
Since I do not know if anyone other than me and a couple of my friends will ever see this blog, I am including a list of the stories I still have to write. I am also waiting on an update from Tony and Barton to see if I missed anything.
This is it for now. Sorry for the length. Scroll hard.
1)Timmy, my partner, almost killed by two old ladies in a car
2)Parking cars at the funerals
a. Spit cans, stench & Dirt
3)Smoldering Grannie
4)Dr. Jonas convincing me I had spinal meningitis
a. Letting me in on it 2 weeks later
5)Why Women cry at Funerals
6)Fixin' your Grandmothers hair
7)Swallowing a mouth full of “Red Man” during the final visitation
8)Congregational Holiness women that would look to be sure someone was there to catch them before they passed out
9)The hysterical girl that ran across the walls of the parlor leaving footprints
10)The Preacher that wanted to save the souls of the people at the funeral because the dead man was already burning in Hell
11)Posing as Mafia at a rural gas station while in The Home’s Limousine
12)Driving the Hearse in procession w/the windows down and “Smoke on the Water” blaring on FM.
13)Knowing the guy was dead because the buzzards were circling the house.
14)Why you never let people with back-hoe’s did the graves
a. Or, why you never have 90 year old men as Pallbearers.
15)Our Cats
a. Phidippides
b. Trocar
16)The cats scaring the Be-Jesus out of everyone coming in The Home by jumping out of the bushes
17)The day the cats invaded the parlors
18)Cats scaring the living hell out of Jimmy at 2 AM while he is embalming
19)Ghosts and the cats
20)Ghosts and my Sister-in-law
21)Ghosts in the closet
22)Earl walking around The Home with a monster mask on
23)Burying a Bootlegger and taking his family home
a. Driving the Limo back while totally intoxicated
b. Having to type obits all night
24)Pronouncing a drowned man dead and telling his family that an octopus sucked all of his blood out through his foot
25)The dead man in the closet that had been at The Home longer than me
26)Grave diggers preferring to work in winter because in the summer they can’t dig it naked
27)Mr. Smith stopping by The Home to let us know his wife was dead
a. Having her body in his pickup
28)Mr. Carter farting on the old woman in the parking lot
29)The man with the hair-lip calling The Home to see if we have Mrs. Smith’s body
a. I WRONGLY assumed it was a prank call
30)Having a PA system that will broadcast a service and the music outside
a. Scaring pedestrians with it
31)Earl sneaking up on the State Trooper in our office
a. Sudden occurrence of a time-warp
b. Earl learning the definition of Stupidity
32)The Preacher that saw Heaven
33)Everyone assuming our crying was “tears of joy”
a. Not pain from biting through our tongues
34)Spotlighting parkers at the State Docks
a. And other reasons we should be dead
35)Our weekly steak cook-out
a. Reasons why it didn’t lead to death
36)Putting up the graveside tent into a yellow-jacket nest
37)Picking up my first body by myself
a. Understanding the term “full autopsy”
38)Watching my first embalming
a. Propping against the wall
b. Not passing out
39)My first embalming
40)Playing Coroner is not all fun and excitement
a. The Cleaners asking if they can burn my suit
41)The first time you fully understand that “all odor is particulate”
42)Sleeping in the windowless room of The Home’s apartment
a. Understanding “sensory deprivation”
b. Taking a drug test
43)Getting Married while at The Home
a. Using The Home’s Limo
b. Living in the attached apartment
44)Some people of Beaufort County are Cattle
a. Spending the night with the dead
b. Taking a dump in the Women’s bathroom floor
45)Why all Funeral Directors are obese, except for the ones with bulimia
a. Churches and neighbors providing food for the family
b. Eating with the families
46)People are generally more afraid of the dead then they let on in public
47)My friend Terry and his girlfriend visiting The Home to have supper
a. Touring The Home, embalming room and casket display room
b. Terry driving off road and hallucinating while going home
c. Understanding hyperventilation and you
48)Understanding all-too-well the expression “broke every bone in his body”
a. Why I don’t drive a VW today
49)Earl falling through roof of The Home
50)We never walked on the moon
51)Spiritual Trifecta
a. Sermons, Marriages and Funerals